Reflections
I'm not going to go on and on about how long it's been since I've last posted. I'm not sure how many people actually even come to this site anymore since I have been so bad about posting. But here are some reflections on being a third year medical student.
It's hard! Really hard! And even harder when you have an infant. I find myself continuously feeling torn between wanting to be a good mother and wanting to be a good doctor. At one time I thought it was no problem to be both. Now I have my doubts. Sure, I'm an okay Doctor, but I don't find myself putting the time into it that I know I should. I've realized that it's more important to me to be an average Medical Student and raise an exceptional human being than to be an exceptional Medical Student.
How this will impact my future career is not clear to me at this moment. I'm sure I can learn the things I need to in order to pass, that's what I've done so far. But what really confuses me is that I don't love what I'm doing. All I've ever wanted to do my whole life is be a doctor. It's the only career I've ever wanted. Now that I'm seeing patients, involved in their diagnoses and treatment, I'm not in love with it. I find myself wanting to get home as soon as I can to be with my son. And I tend to resent the rotations that keep me away from my son, such as my inpatient internal medicine rotations. I really hated those two months and I can't really pinpoint why that is. The attendings were nice for the most part, my residents were really good, I wasn't treated like a second class citizen, and I had some pretty interesting patients. All it did was require my time, which I believe should be spent with my son not with patients.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking of quitting. I plan to ride it out, hoping with each change of specialty that I will get back that spark that got me here in the first place. And I realize that some of my dissatisfaction comes from the fact that I don't know enough to be proficient at my job, and since we change specialties every few weeks I don't have a chance to really master anything before I'm experiencing something new again. This is the emotional drain of the third year. Always being the new "employee" but never mastering the job. I know as I go through it will get better, but this is not something I was prepared for.
Next week is my last week of psychiatry then I start OB GYN. I'm hoping that I'll feel smarter in this rotation since I have more experience in this area than most of my classmates.
It's all a part of being a medical student/mother/pastor's wife!
It's hard! Really hard! And even harder when you have an infant. I find myself continuously feeling torn between wanting to be a good mother and wanting to be a good doctor. At one time I thought it was no problem to be both. Now I have my doubts. Sure, I'm an okay Doctor, but I don't find myself putting the time into it that I know I should. I've realized that it's more important to me to be an average Medical Student and raise an exceptional human being than to be an exceptional Medical Student.
How this will impact my future career is not clear to me at this moment. I'm sure I can learn the things I need to in order to pass, that's what I've done so far. But what really confuses me is that I don't love what I'm doing. All I've ever wanted to do my whole life is be a doctor. It's the only career I've ever wanted. Now that I'm seeing patients, involved in their diagnoses and treatment, I'm not in love with it. I find myself wanting to get home as soon as I can to be with my son. And I tend to resent the rotations that keep me away from my son, such as my inpatient internal medicine rotations. I really hated those two months and I can't really pinpoint why that is. The attendings were nice for the most part, my residents were really good, I wasn't treated like a second class citizen, and I had some pretty interesting patients. All it did was require my time, which I believe should be spent with my son not with patients.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking of quitting. I plan to ride it out, hoping with each change of specialty that I will get back that spark that got me here in the first place. And I realize that some of my dissatisfaction comes from the fact that I don't know enough to be proficient at my job, and since we change specialties every few weeks I don't have a chance to really master anything before I'm experiencing something new again. This is the emotional drain of the third year. Always being the new "employee" but never mastering the job. I know as I go through it will get better, but this is not something I was prepared for.
Next week is my last week of psychiatry then I start OB GYN. I'm hoping that I'll feel smarter in this rotation since I have more experience in this area than most of my classmates.
It's all a part of being a medical student/mother/pastor's wife!
Labels: Medical School
posted by Rikki Suzanne @ 6:10 PM
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